Let’s be honest — the back of a van sees more action than a Friday night on Bold Street. From half-eaten sausage rolls to mystery liquids we definitely didn’t ask too many questions about, van valeters across the UK have seen it all.
At Merseyside Van Sales, we pride ourselves on delivering used vans that look, feel, and smell like new. But before they make it onto our forecourt, some of them come in… let’s just say… character-building conditions. So we asked our detailing team (with names changed to protect the traumatised) for some of their weirdest van clean-up stories — and oh boy, did they deliver.
🧀 “It Was ALIVE, I Swear”
“Opened the side door and was hit by a smell that could only be described as hot compost and despair. Turns out the van had a forgotten lunchbox under the passenger seat — three months old. Contained a cheese and ham butty that had grown hair and was trying to vote.”
🦆 The Van That Quacked
“One customer casually asked if the straw in the back ‘was an issue.’ Turns out he’d been transporting live ducks in his Citroën Relay for months. No cage, just ducks — feathers and all. We now call it ‘The Quackmobile.’”
🧽 Glitterpocalypse 2023
“A mobile party entertainer’s van exploded with glitter. Literally. One broken tub of craft glitter + static seats + air con = a shimmer bomb. Took five deep cleans, a toothbrush, and the tears of two grown men to get it out.”
💥 Confetti Cannon Casualty
“A van used for wedding deliveries had a rogue confetti cannon go off in the cab. We found paper hearts in the air vents, behind the dash, and inside the steering wheel. Looked like Cupid had crashed it.”
🛠 Tools of Chaos
“One lad had every tool known to mankind rattling around loose in the back — no storage system. One sharp left turn and it sounded like a steel drum band being thrown down the stairs. Took an hour to match all the lids with the tubs.”
💡 Top Tips to Keep Your Van (and Your Valeter) Happy
🚿 Declutter weekly – Less clutter means fewer surprises
🧴 Keep wipes and bin bags handy – Your future self will thank you
🥪 Banish the lunchbox – That three-day-old chicken wrap? Just… no
🛠 Install tool storage – It’ll save your gear (and your sanity)
🧽 Valet regularly – Prevention is way cheaper than “biohazard deep clean”
Whether you’re hauling bricks or birthday cakes, your van deserves a bit of TLC — and trust us, the cleaner it is, the more resale value you’ll keep. Thinking of upgrading your current motor? Our selection of nearly-new and fully valeted vans is ready and waiting — with zero mystery cheese included.
👉 Check out our available stock here: https://www.merseysidevansales.co.uk/used-vans-for-sale/
You might also enjoy our no-nonsense Spring Van Maintenance Tips to keep your ride running clean inside and out.
And if you’re a tradesperson looking to optimise life on the road, have a scroll through our guide on Top Digital Tools for Tradespeople — from job management to van tracking, we’ve got it covered.
📱 Follow the grime-fighting madness on Instagram: